Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
