I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
