Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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