God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
