My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
