i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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