Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
