dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
