Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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