Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
