please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
