Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
