when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize