he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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