I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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