I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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