I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
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It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
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If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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