I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
