I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
