I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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