your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
