Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
