I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
