I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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