guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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