i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
