But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
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As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
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Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So. Much. Porn.
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