I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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