I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I could make wine with my vomit
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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