Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
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Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I supernannyed him into submission
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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