I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
