Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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