I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
it's like iHOP with fire
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
