When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
