My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.