apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?