someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Acid is not a monday night drug
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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