There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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