his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
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I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
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Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.