farters have to be the big spoon...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
