i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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