I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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