He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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