Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
