You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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