Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
