You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
