He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
