In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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