ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
