Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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