Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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