Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
