You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
