either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
