Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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