Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
