So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
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Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
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Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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