you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
