i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
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i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
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At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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