I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
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Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
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I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?