I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?