Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
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Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
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Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.